Don’t feel bad for me. I implore you. My crimes are many and my comeuppance just. Unlike Job who swore to “maintain mine own ways before him” to the last — i cannot. I have “sinned” and i know it. Eli! Eli! cried the Son of God. And in that he may have been justified, his reproach justified. There are forms of evil, of injustice, in this world that certainly make us think that God has forsaken it...us. But he did not abandon me, i abandoned him, rather, i never had him ... I had no reason either. Imagine a ship that is without a captain and being run by the crew. Can there be any unity, any organization, upon such a ship? Rather, will not disorder and strife hold sway as everyone of its crew will try to seize control of the helm? It was the same with me. Having neither reason nor God, the twin captains of the soul, i became prey to the multiplicity of my desires, which kept pulling me sometime in one direction sometime in other, never letting me stay the course; and, instead of the light of truth, chaos and darkness filled my soul.
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves...” But do not think that i am being excessively pious or that i have accepted defeat ... au contraire. The Gospel says, “you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” THIS is my truth.