Tuesday, August 2

Got told off by my ex. Don’t know what I minded more, that she wanted to stop all communication, or her tone, cool as a cucumber. It must be that damned English weather. She wasn’t like this when she still lived here.

Dashed off a scathing reply. Rant, for most part. When that didn’t prove enough, dashed off another. Still more rant. Guess my pride had been hurt … Funny how fast the slide into the abyss is once you’ve strayed from the straight path, be it ever so little! Till last year we had both kept our distances, in the physical and the virtual world both … Did I also miss her at times? Yes. But, so what? Too much is made of feelings nowadays. Important thing is that we had been doing the right thing. But, things changed last year. We got to chatting once again. And now see where we are ... And fat lot of use it is to know that my motives have been throughout good and honourable! As though I could ever be sure! Didn’t I just say that I missed her? It’s a slippery slope, trying to ascertain one’s motives after the fact, human nature is so complex (or so the psychologists will tell us; and yet, they will insist that we delve into it.) Then, when I can’t even remember my motives for something that I did yesterday, how can I remember them for something I did last year? A nice to-do! Reminds me of a British television series from the late seventies based on a book of the same name by John le Carré, TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY: “Reason as motive, or reason as logic, or reason as a way of life?” Motive has been shown to be no good. And logic? For all the use it is human affairs, we may as well not consider it. That leaves reason as a way of life as our only hope. To have lived according to a logos — it is either this, or you hang yourself, motive and logic be damned! Or if you don’t, life will; sometimes for real!

Even at that hour when the grey sky of St. Petersburg is shrouded in total darkness and all its race of officials have dined and sated the...